Its Getting Worse!!!

so i wake up one day and then after i go to brush my teeth its time for me to do my Ocd and then whilst im doing it i realise its taking longer and that its not working like its supposed to, i did it and stood there for like 10 minutes shocked that its getting worse and that the way i used to do it doesnt work, then the next day it was the same, so now im worried that itll get worse and thren itll be uncontrollable. i just asked my god to make it easier for me and its not getting easy, but thats just the morning, the day is not as bad, i do it in a way that lets my brain know its not there and then i check with my fingers so it takes me less time, i also realise im getting more and more depressed by the day and that i dont care about dieing any more, i know i shouoldnt think that but i cant help but not care any more, i would never kill my self, incase your wondering, as thats wrong, illegal in my religion and i care to much for my family to do that. thats all for today, thank you for reading..... bye

6th of August 2008

not bad today, watched films and stuff that took my mind of it, and trying to negotiate with my Ocd by saying this is the only way ill do it( a way that'll take less time) and that if my brains not happy then ill stop doing it all together, not sure if it'll work but i hope it does, every day i fell like my life is never goona be good worried today about how ill get a job as i have this illness that makes me sweat when i get nervous or if i walk to far , i tried going healthy as i thought this was my health and took up the excercise and body building for 3months, then as it wasnt getting better went to my doctors 2 months after i stopped my excercises, and had a blood test and the doctor told me he'll call me if he finds anything but if the blood comes back as normal then he wont call, so i waited 2weeks then i had another appointment to get my dressings redone with the same doctor and so i asked him if he found anything, and he said " for a boy who doesnt excersice my blood is really healthy" ( ok so thats good news but not the news i was hoping for, i was actually hoping for there to be and irreguality with my blood and offer me some treatment) any other human-being wouldve jumped up at the news but not me, when he said that my heart dropped down as if to tell me this is another thing ill be living with for the rest of my life, so i went home and since that day ive been eating health, and and exersising but still this has plaged me since i was 11yrs old.
now i have to accept this as a part of who i am.

thanks for reading but thats all for today..

Life So far...... Again

So what have i got to say now? well i want to live my life normally but cant, when i wake up in the morning i look forward to the day until i realise i have a Ocd and that ill have to do it all day, and then thats when the depression kicks in, then i stop caring about the day, dont want to live my life like this and dont want to tell any one, dont know why, i have so many problems and i dont want my mum, who worries alot about me, to have this on her mind, and then the word will spread and then people will tell me how its a evil spirit making me do this, then i just think if a evil spirit has so much power then why doesnt It make me do something that'll hurt people or grant me long access to the hell doors, instead of making me do this,so thats apart of the reason i dont want to tell any one, bored with life.... spoke to my friends and had nothing to say except listen to them begging me to come back to school, and to go out with them, even my "Crush" hasnt spoken to me, i know she likes me its just that she's a good person that'll be really hard to win back, but i dont want to worry her about my messed up life, she asks about me and my friends tell her about me, and then she asks to come and visit but i just tell them to tell her my parents would freak out, so then my friends say they can hear her heart breaking, but still she'd be better of without me ?
im trying to do the right thing for once, even though it breaks my heart and i dream and think of her all day, but i dont want to mess her up.
this morning wasnt so bad i tried a new way which my brain doesnt approve of but i still did it and it wasnt soo bad, i hope it gets better, i think thats all for today, ill keep you all updated, thanks for reading.

My Life So Far

havent wrote in because had an operation, and prayed for my ocd not to go but to get easier for me to do as whenever i pray for it to go it gets worse and ive already said sorry for arguing with my god but still feel as if im not gonna beat this illness.
keep thinking of the girl of my dreams and how ill never meet her if im at home all the time, wish i meet someone like her oneday . keep having dreams of her and that makes me more depressed.

my operation wasnt that serious and i dont even care about it, when i laid there on my hospital bed the night before the operation i was praying for it to go smoothly and for the doctors to send me home early and i even said " i know its not possible for me to be sent home tommorow after the operation so please let me go home the day after and then the next day 2hours after the operation i was sent home!! so my god was listening, and then the day after(at home) i prayed again at night for my OCd to be easy to do in the morning and that im too young to be dealing with these things, but the next morning it was the same, hard and frustrating for me to do. i wouldnt have minded if i had to stay another night in the hospital as long as my Ocd was easy to do for the rest of my life. but i know thats not a reasonable deal or prayer.
im sorry for the things ive done in my life but i know if that time came again id still do it. you may think me a basterd but so do i. I feel as bad as possible for what ive done but that doesnt take away the things ive done.if my Ocd was to be replaced with like a physical illness( yes one more) then id be happy that as long as its physical i can deal with it like ive been dealing with the rest of my disabilities, but an Ocd is a mental disorder and if someone doesnt have an ocd they will never understand how hard it is, theyll think of it as if you bite your nails you can stop because your hurting yourselve, and then never need to do it again, or like smoking, you know its bad for you but you can stop on your own, but the difference is to stop smoking you can just cut down and then stop altogether or go "Cold Turkey" but if you try cut down on an Ocd itll get worse and if you try to go "Cold Turkey" then youll see yourself looking and feeling like a crackhead. and then make it worse for you to try and stop. and if you ask your god to speak to you an help you then when a voice does talk to you then people cast it of as an evil spirit talking to you, but when i asked my god to help me in my dreams and give me answers i did have a dream!! it was of me going school and selling drugs....... dont know how that'll help, maybe its just the 1st part of that dream- go school and have other things to worry about- and to go into further details about my life i have tried to give my self another OCD in-order to make my brain feel as if it doesnt need that one but the new one i tried to force on to myself. and it didnt work. i tried the common OCD such as obsessive hand washing and re-arranging furniture, and it still didnt help. by the way 2/3 months ago i had 2 OCD's, yep thats right, and that Ocd was much worse, it took like 25 minutes when my current OCD takes like 1-2minutes,(hopefully shortens and never gets longer) the 2nd OCD hurt alot!!!!!! made my tounge bleed, and couldnt eat, whilst my current one hurts if i do it a lot, and the my brain over time forgot about this OCD and kept the emotionally painful over the physically painful. i also prayed to my god to take my 1st OCD away and keep the worse one, but that didnt work, even though the 2nd one hurt alot more and was getting worse. and would have been a better punishment for my evil.
as a result of these illnesess and disabilities i dont care about dieing, and the worst part is that i can tell my family and have to act as though i only have disabilities..

thanks for reading, if there is any one, and ill try keep you updated, feel free to comment