havent wrote in because had an operation, and prayed for my ocd not to go but to get easier for me to do as whenever i pray for it to go it gets worse and ive already said sorry for arguing with my god but still feel as if im not gonna beat this illness.
keep thinking of the girl of my dreams and how ill never meet her if im at home all the time, wish i meet someone like her oneday . keep having dreams of her and that makes me more depressed.
my operation wasnt that serious and i dont even care about it, when i laid there on my hospital bed the night before the operation i was praying for it to go smoothly and for the doctors to send me home early and i even said " i know its not possible for me to be sent home tommorow after the operation so please let me go home the day after and then the next day 2hours after the operation i was sent home!! so my god was listening, and then the day after(at home) i prayed again at night for my OCd to be easy to do in the morning and that im too young to be dealing with these things, but the next morning it was the same, hard and frustrating for me to do. i wouldnt have minded if i had to stay another night in the hospital as long as my Ocd was easy to do for the rest of my life. but i know thats not a reasonable deal or prayer.
im sorry for the things ive done in my life but i know if that time came again id still do it. you may think me a basterd but so do i. I feel as bad as possible for what ive done but that doesnt take away the things ive done.if my Ocd was to be replaced with like a physical illness( yes one more) then id be happy that as long as its physical i can deal with it like ive been dealing with the rest of my disabilities, but an Ocd is a mental disorder and if someone doesnt have an ocd they will never understand how hard it is, theyll think of it as if you bite your nails you can stop because your hurting yourselve, and then never need to do it again, or like smoking, you know its bad for you but you can stop on your own, but the difference is to stop smoking you can just cut down and then stop altogether or go "Cold Turkey" but if you try cut down on an Ocd itll get worse and if you try to go "Cold Turkey" then youll see yourself looking and feeling like a crackhead. and then make it worse for you to try and stop. and if you ask your god to speak to you an help you then when a voice does talk to you then people cast it of as an evil spirit talking to you, but when i asked my god to help me in my dreams and give me answers i did have a dream!! it was of me going school and selling drugs....... dont know how that'll help, maybe its just the 1st part of that dream- go school and have other things to worry about- and to go into further details about my life i have tried to give my self another OCD in-order to make my brain feel as if it doesnt need that one but the new one i tried to force on to myself. and it didnt work. i tried the common OCD such as obsessive hand washing and re-arranging furniture, and it still didnt help. by the way 2/3 months ago i had 2 OCD's, yep thats right, and that Ocd was much worse, it took like 25 minutes when my current OCD takes like 1-2minutes,(hopefully shortens and never gets longer) the 2nd OCD hurt alot!!!!!! made my tounge bleed, and couldnt eat, whilst my current one hurts if i do it a lot, and the my brain over time forgot about this OCD and kept the emotionally painful over the physically painful. i also prayed to my god to take my 1st OCD away and keep the worse one, but that didnt work, even though the 2nd one hurt alot more and was getting worse. and would have been a better punishment for my evil.
as a result of these illnesess and disabilities i dont care about dieing, and the worst part is that i can tell my family and have to act as though i only have disabilities..
thanks for reading, if there is any one, and ill try keep you updated, feel free to comment
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